


Dan couldn't remember

by boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Angst - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phan, youtuber
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 16:22:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1905717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami/pseuds/boffinhatwithapipeYuekagami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories hurt you. Moments haunt you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dan couldn't remember

Dan couldn't remember almost everything.

 

He could not remember his childhood.

 

He could not remember his primary friends.

 

He could not remember his first kiss.

 

He could not remember his first times.

 

He could not remember his college friends.

 

He could not remember his antics about life.

 

He could not remember almost everything.

But...

 

...Dan could remember a boy named Phil.

 

He could remember the way they first met.

 

He could remember their first conversation.

 

He could remember the way how it felt so right.

 

He could remember the way how they talked for so long and yet, still they felt it wasn’t enough.

 

He could remember the way how he laughed.

 

He could remember the way how he made Dan laughed for the first time in a long time.

 

He remembered the way how he cuddled Dan.

 

The way how Phil’s eyes lit up like a beautiful light.

 

The way how when Dan was having an existential crisis and Phil would stay up with him.

 

The way how they both played Mario Kart.

 

The way how they baked together.

 

The way how almost everything they do, they do it together.

 

But Dan could also remember the way how they fought that night in the car on the way home.

 

Dan could remember how they both shouted for dominance.

 

Dan could remember the tears flowing down their faces.

 

Dan could remember the light coming towards them.

 

Dan could remember a voice shouting for his name.

 

Dan remembered a body embracing him.

 

Dan remembered murmuring Phil as the pain materialized into liquid.

 

Dan remembered the lights of the hospital.

 

Dan remembered shouting for Phil.

 

Dan remembered the Doctor telling him what happened.

 

Dan remembered sneaking out of his room and going to ICU where Phil was.

 

Dan remembered that he was sat on the floor crying when a hand stroked his hair.

 

Dan remembered when he opened his eyes and saw Phil’s smile.

 

Dan remembered how he apologized and Phil nodded and stroked Dan’s cheek.

 

Dan remembered how Phil slowly mustered I love you.

 

Dan remembered Phil’s eyes dropping and shutting.

 

Dan remembered the bleep of the computer screen.

 

Dan remembered shouting for his name.

 

Dan remembered crying.

 

And then Dan could no longer remember what happened in the hospital anymore.

 

Instead, Dan remembered how he was stood in a grassy graveyard wearing his black suit and crying.

 

Dan remembered how he spoke that day. About Phil. About them. About everything they did.

 

Dan remembered walking inside their flat feeling completely alone than ever.

 

Dan remembered walking into Phil’s room instead of his.

 

Dan remembered lying on his bed and seeing Phil’s camera.

 

Dan remembered watching its content.

 

Dan watched Phil’s supposed to be next video that never got published and it never would.

 

Dan remembered watching a video diary and hearing his voice saying “I love you”

 

Dan remembered collapsing on bed and cried.

 

Dan remembered that Phil was really gone. He was not coming back. And he never would.

 

Dan remembered curling into a ball and feeling so hurt. Rejected. Alone. Depressed. Unhappy.

 

Because his only happiness was taken away in one single moment. The happiness that he waited for years taken in a second.

 

Dan remembered how he clutched Phil’s bed sheet trying to memorize its scent hoping it would last forever. But he knew, it wouldn’t happen. Like their future.

 

Dan remembered how he did not moved that night.

 

Dan remembered the countless nights of crying.

 

Dan remembered going into the bath with the blade on his hands.

 

Dan remembered.

 

And he would never forget.

 

But he wished he would.

 

He wished he could.

 

And then, Dan stopped. He stopped remembering all at once. Piece by piece then everything.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> MY FIRST PHANFIC! and the breaker of my two months of writer's block. horray for being back! Good to see you again human beings! xx


End file.
